get real guide to dating
no, but seriously, i had some get real girl talk tonight about bro’s in new york and shit, and man, we just came to the conclusion that y’all are slobs and your battleship is sunk. i can’t even remember the last time i was on a date. actually, i was never on a date. no one has ever taken me out for a lovely evening of dinner and fun. i’m probably sure that with whatever guy it was that i hung out with last, i ended up buying him pizza cuz he was all, “oh wah, i haven’t gotten paid yet.”
and let’s face it: I’M PERFECT AND THE BEST, DUH. i’ll cook for you, i’ll sew a button back onto your jacket, i’ll crack jokes all night and make you laugh, i’ll let you read the things i write, i’ll listen to you wah wah wah on about the bullshit in your life, and i won’t judge, cuz i’m cool and smooth. also, i’m a total babe and i like things like getting drunk and playing videogames.
it’s not about being all bitter like oh wah wah, bro’s don’t like me, whatever shall i do? no, it’s more like: this is all you have to offer??
my standards for dudes used to be: 1) has a job, 2) doesn’t live with his mom, 3) can grow facial hair. but fuck, man! i need to step it up. no more thinking that i should settle for some beer belly slob.
1) you’re gunna take me on some spectacular fucking dates. like, you’re gunna somehow find a pony farm in new york city and take me to it and we’re gunna ride ponies, and then after that it’s bj city.
2) you’re not gunna live in new jersey. i’m sorry, i’m not taking an nj transit train to hang out in your retard suburban town. not happening. there is nothing interesting in new jersey, so, i rest my case.
3) you’re going to take some care in your appearance. no, scratch that. you’re going to maintain a “look.” i don’t care if that look is “long haired bro” or “bro with a really big beard,” or like, “bro that dresses like the 1950’s.” you are going to have a cohesive style, and you are going to uphold it and honor it. if you wear cargo shorts, i reserve the right to light them on fire while you are still wearing them.
4) you are not going to be a flaky motherfucker. i just said i’d take you to bj city and you want to nap instead of hanging out? dunzo, plus now i will tell all of my friends that you are gay.
5) i’m not saying i’m a golddigger, but if you’re going to spend the entirety of your paycheck on beer, guitars and iphone apps and then be all, “oh, i’m too poor to go to the pony farm, let’s just sit here and watch ‘the office’ instead,” well then… i mean, i’ll probably cry, because you ruined my dreams of visiting the pony farm.
6) also, speaking of which, put away your fucking iphone you asshole douche. have i sat here typing away on my gossip girl phone? no, but i should be, because i have fucking oregon trail downloaded on it and it’s way more interesting than you.
I would like to add the following:
1) no diseases. seriously, condoms are for preventing babies- don’t act like it’s cool that you have chlamydia because you are using a condom. There is plan B for babies, there ain’t no plan B for sick dick.
2) you have to be straight. If you think you might be gay, it’s cool… we can still talk, maybe, but be upfront about it
3) hygiene. i know you live in Brooklyn and you have a look to maintain. that look better include soap and deodorant.
4) health. look you already have to be at least a veg, but maybe try to go for a run once in a while. i’m not saying i don’t like fat people, but i’m not dating fat people.
Hope this helps.
2 years ago • Notes